One day, I met a nice guy. I liked him, and we had a group dinner at his house, very posh, an aristocrat type of family. We never get together because then he married a Western educated woman from the rich family too. The other moment, it wasn’t me he picked because he said there was other girl, also graduated from abroad, spoken English fluently and come from a rich family.
But twice in my life I got dumped because they thought I am too ambitious, a dreamer and too independent. One of them specifically said my lifestyle is just too expensive for him – although back to the independent reason- I never asked anyone to buy me things, I got everything I have by myself. You know what, it would be so much easy to accept the simple reason that you were not into me other than made political reasons of love.
A few days ago I was in a group and talking about my intention to get a Phd, the reaction was as I expected… Get married first before you thinking about Phd, because who wants to married a woman with doctoral degree? Don’t be too smart, don’t be too independent, don’t be too idealism and other boundaries that the society put on me, on women…
I came from a middle-lower class family, with 12 siblings from three wives that my dad had – rest in peace dad. Grew up in the Bronx area where my three childhood best friends died because of drug addiction. Dream that one day I might be on the level where I don’t know how to spend my money, but then I had reached that level for many times, since I was so poor, no money in my pocket and don’t know what to do with it… hahaha…
I think the reason why I pushed myself to the limit is to take revenge to the world, to the society. I was tired of being underestimated because I am poor, not western educated, not fluently English spoken woman. But at the same time, I will never ever change myself to be un-independent woman and I refused to lose my idealism, just because I want to be accepted in the society. I don’t have anything to lose, because I had once in life where I don’t have anything but good friends and lovable family who crazy enough to keep supporting me with my random life. And I am not expected anyone will accept me the way I am
My mom said to me on the phone yesterday that all she wants is to see me happy with everything that I do. I am mom…the sweetest revenge to the society is to show them how happy I am with my choices in life! 37 years old, not married (yet), no child (one day I hope), traveling around the archipelago and over the continent, and pursuing master degree in London with a scholarship and I am still doing good for the environment and community, and keep my idealism alive without making myself starving!
And last but not least… to thank you all who ever underestimate me, pushing me in the corner, hurting my feeling… thank you for coloring my life… I might not come this far if it was not because of you. Thank you