Thank You 2015 for the Awesome Adventures, the Best Moment in Life

2015 is a remarkable year for me. I finally got a scholarship that I ever wanted for like 10 years! I almost got one in 2008, but then… anyway, I am here, London, UK, for my master degree with one of the most prestigious scholarship, Chevening! Well it is not something that fell from a sky just like that, big effort, big sacrifice and investment of your time, energy and money. But every effort is worthy!

2015 has been the craziest year ever! I never saw my account Rp 0,- and Rp 20.000.000 in the same day, oh well in short delay of time hahaha. I always worked as a full timer with the settled organization for almost 15 years then suddenly decided to become a freelancer with Rp 0,- to start. I said to myself, “I don’t want to be bothered by permission or get troubled with the company when I got the scholarship.” 6 months before I really got one! Technically I was just waiting for a miracle to happened, if I didn’t get the Chevening, then I might going crazy for real hahaha…

But it wasn’t true. 2015 has made me realize being a freelancer is more suits to me! I have all those experiences, good networking and I can manage my time, my energy and passion a lot better. I can do more with my three communities, MyJunx- my own project with Dessy, Transformasi Hijau and Green Initiative Foundation. I know I give more by becoming freelancer and with the upcoming master degree and the experiences I have in UK, I can give back a lot better. Amin to that!

2015, my dream came true when I met Benedict Cumberbatch and got his autograph. Standing three hours to see his face right in front of me was unforgettable moment! And I paid 65 Pounds for his performance in Hemlet, which was AWESOME!

Experiences the course in one of the best University in the world, the best in UK for media and communication! Writing 12.000 words of essay is something that very amusing experiences. Meeting wonderful new friends from all over the world, sharing all the stories, background, and different vision are amazing. Living with lovely family is another awesome experience for me.

I miss my family, friends and my love one. But time flies, soon I will be home and I will be missing London so very much, I am in love with this city and the people too.

2015 is a blessing year for me and hopefully the blessing will be still mine for the rest of coming year of 2016. I want nothing than to keep being friends with all the friends I have right now, keep all the good networking, graduate from master degree- not really care about the mark, but if its good, that would awesome too and… let the universe surprise me J

Thank you 2015!!

dr. strange… please do the magic spell on me 🙂

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Rindu Di Sepotong Rendang

Malam ini saya menangis di semangkok piring nasi dengan sepotong rendang. Akhirnya kotak harta karun bernama rendang itu saya buka juga, setelah tiga bulan setengah di sini. Dieman-eman hanya jika sangat ingin dan sangat rindu kampung halaman.

Saya sedang ga enak badan memang, belagu sih suka lupa sama usia dan tubuh yang suka lupa dijaga staminanya. Sejak semalam bersin ga berhenti, tenggorokan panas, cuma mau flu. Tapi biasanya ini moment dimanja sama mami dan akang uhuk. Bisa rewel sepanjang hari minta perhatian. Tapi jauh dari rumah, dan matahari yang menghilang, bikin sedih dan pundung seharian. Kotak harta karun itu akhirnya dibuka.

Begitu gigitan pertama, saya langsung dibawa pulang. Ke masa berjam-jam menemani mami masak rendang yang cuma hadir di hari istimewa, hari raya atau di antara kami ada yang ulang tahun. Rendang mami luar biasa pedasnya, bisa ngajak berantem di mulut. Ini sebenarnya tidak sama rasa dengan rendang buat mami, tapi ini rendang Indonesia banget. Sudah dua kali mencoba rendang di restaurant Malaysia, maaf ya, tak sama. Lalu saya menangis, lebay.

Rindu mami, rindu rumah dan matahari…. Mau pulaaang… huhuhuhu…

Sweet Revenge

One day, I met a nice guy. I liked him, and we had a group dinner at his house, very posh, an aristocrat type of family. We never get together because then he married a Western educated woman from the rich family too. The other moment, it wasn’t me he picked because he said there was other girl, also graduated from abroad, spoken English fluently and come from a rich family.

But twice in my life I got dumped because they thought I am too ambitious, a dreamer and too independent. One of them specifically said my lifestyle is just too expensive for him – although back to the independent reason- I never asked anyone to buy me things, I got everything I have by myself. You know what, it would be so much easy to accept the simple reason that you were not into me other than made political reasons of love.

A few days ago I was in a group and talking about my intention to get a Phd, the reaction was as I expected… Get married first before you thinking about Phd, because who wants to married a woman with doctoral degree? Don’t be too smart, don’t be too independent, don’t be too idealism and other boundaries that the society put on me, on women…

I came from a middle-lower class family, with 12 siblings from three wives that my dad had – rest in peace dad. Grew up in the Bronx area where my three childhood best friends died because of drug addiction. Dream that one day I might be on the level where I don’t know how to spend my money, but then I had reached that level for many times, since I was so poor, no money in my pocket and don’t know what to do with it… hahaha…

I think the reason why I pushed myself to the limit is to take revenge to the world, to the society. I was tired of being underestimated because I am poor, not western educated, not fluently English spoken woman. But at the same time, I will never ever change myself to be un-independent woman and I refused to lose my idealism, just because I want to be accepted in the society. I don’t have anything to lose, because I had once in life where I don’t have anything but good friends and lovable family who crazy enough to keep supporting me with my random life. And I am not expected anyone will accept me the way I am

My mom said to me on the phone yesterday that all she wants is to see me happy with everything that I do. I am mom…the sweetest revenge to the society is to show them how happy I am with my choices in life! 37 years old, not married (yet), no child (one day I hope), traveling around the archipelago and over the continent, and pursuing master degree in London with a scholarship and I am still doing good for the environment and community, and keep my idealism alive without making myself starving!

And last but not least… to thank you all who ever underestimate me, pushing me in the corner, hurting my feeling… thank you for coloring my life… I might not come this far if it was not because of you. Thank you

Because the stories will continue

As years past, the stories changed and surely won’t stop there until one of us died. We couldn’t predict what might happen tomorrow, no matter how your astrology and the fortune teller said… let it be a surprise, for better or worst. But I know and I believe that what goes around comes around, I believe in Karma, we get what we give and if you give love no matter how much it hurt sometimes, just believe that you will find love that you really deserve, one day…one day…

Loving can be hurt just like Ed Sheeran said:-) but it won’t stop you from loving someone right. I take love as a chilly; it hurts in a good feeling…

Years back, we were together. Today, you are expecting a baby and me expecting the master degree. Something what we would never predict this would happen.

Years back, I stayed night and day doing proposal, had a brunch until late meeting, presenting our project, sweating on the ojek, being mad with anyone who caught in a lie about work, getting drunk by numbers and excel. Today I am here, wrapped myself with thick jacket and scarf, so excited to catch the sunshine while at home complaining because it just too bright that hurt my skin and eyes, and I am doing 12000 words for two essay and read over 40 books in one term (not really read them all though, just the things that I need).

Yesterday, I was holding and cuddling you. Today, my heart is just empty and will just have to fill in with essay. Tomorrow, I don’t know when to stop flying, where and whom I will be ended up with. Will I have Saladin on my own or adopted him. Will I have my Phd, or become a famous novelist or a humble farmer somewhere. Will I keep listening to The Paper Kites, Incubus and Linkin Park, or I will get bored with Frank Sinatra and Benedict Cumberbatch.

But stories will continue, and I am excited to see what might happen to me in 5 to 10 years ahead. I only hope I will be end at 60 

Stop blaming yourself woman!

Whenever female friends came and share their stories of being hit or beaten by their lover, I feel like to scream and shout… FUCK YOU man!! I see the bruises, I hear the pain, I can feel their tears, but what can I do but to share my shoulder, listen to their stories and offering other things to occupy them from their problem. Sometimes they just want to be heard, not dealing with the medic or police whom instead of treating them as the victim, putting them responsible for triggering the violence. Then they becoming more victimized by the system… how fuck the system is! I thought it happen only in my so they called under develop country… it happens here in UK, developed country… but after all this is still the man’s world!

Obviously women tend to blame them-selves when shit happen in the relationship. I don’t really give a shit if it was just an argument but when it comes to violence, I have zero tolerance! And still can’t accept the fact that some of these women still love the man who hurt them mentally and physically. Why can’t they just leave him and don’t give a shit about him anymore. If they threat you with the word “I am going to kill myself if you leave me,” well woman, give him the knife and say, “do kill yourself in front of me.” I bet he won’t have that guts to kill himself. Man who beat his woman is nothing but a coward, a chicken shit!

Stop blaming yourself and move on… you are responsible for no other life, you are only responsible for yourself and your own happiness and your own safety! Life is just too precious to be wasted with a shit like him!

I am just a girl…

It might sound crazy when I said I found one of the librarians at the uni is look like Tom Cruise or the Santander guy is definitely looks like Danzel Washington. But being grown up, should not stop you from imagining things that will make you smile. Grown up tend to forget how fun it is to act like a child, full of imagination and smile, bring you a positive energy, for example a reason to stay longer at the library 🙂

I don’t want to stop being a little girl. I smiled towards the sun every time it show up, and thank it for appearing although only for minutes. I ran with squirrel at the park, singing with the birds, touching leaves and hold the tree. I spread my hands and close my eyes, pretending that I am flying. Today I even bowing and shouting at the park, “thank you birds for the song, thank you leaves and tree for the oxygen, thank you sun for warming my life, thank you universe for having me here. Thank you all…”

I won’t hesitate dancing on the street, greetings everyone I meet. I named my bicycle Saladin and my laptop as TUN, I greets Ben for Benedict Cumberbatch on my desktop whenever is on, I have Ginger Cake that instead of eating it, I named it Gingee. I wrote myself a letter today and hide it, supposedly I read it in 5 or 10 years later. I sleep with Baymax every night 🙂

I have so many loves to share towards everything, why can’t I share them. I have so many friends that I would like to care without anyone misread it, I am just your friend who happen have-hopefully- a sincerely warm heart.

I have a friend and within a minute we met,  I know I can be happy around him because he has this magical smile and a warm heart. If you so skeptical about life, you should meet him. Nope he is not Santa or Angel. He is just a guy who’s doing good and bring tons of positive energies… another blessing in life that come to me.

To know him and what he is doing for others make me realize that I just have to be me…  same old Nita 🙂

Bulan Ketiga: Pesta, Buku dan Bewok.. oh London I love You #mycheveningjourney

Kuliah kelas usai di minggu kedua Desember, end of Autum term. Bernapas lega? Ga lah. Ketika masih ada tanggungan kuliah kelas dan seminar, selalu ada alasan untuk ga baca buku yang lain karena ngejar list bacaan mingguan. Tapi begitu kelar, semua kalang kabut… anjrit baby, kita mesti baca referensi minimal 10-15 buku, jurnal, artikel atau film, bersiap nulis 6000 kata dalam Bahasa Inggris. Kudu mikirin struktur tulisan, konten sama mastiin grammarnya sehat, eh. Tetiba semua mahasiswa tumplek di perpustakaan, makin susah nyari tempat duduk dan aneka rupa muka penuh kepanikan sampai udah ga jelas lagi tuh, ada aja anak lelaki yang pake celana pendek wara wiri di perpus. Mungkin anak sepakbola pulang latihan, atau baru dari gym. Tapi dahsyat, dia kuat tak menutup betisnya di dinginnya London. Muka-muka perlu kafein. Oh iya saking jadi favorit, sampe rusak itu vending machine, pertama teh habis ga ada yang ganti, terakhir saya hilang 1.20 pounds dan ga ada kopi keluar dari mesin sialan itu huhuhu. Jadilah beberapa malam ini seperti kesurupan tanpa kopi. Buku-buku berserakan di meja. Sebagian dari kami hanya mau membaca di perpus dan ga sudi tuh bawa buku tebal ke rumah karena bener juga sih, rumah tempat istrirahat bukan kerja dan belajar, ga bisa konsentrasi. Dalam dua minggu, saya selesai 1 essay pertama, dan sedang di minggu membaca – reading week for the second one, plus lagi mencoba susun proposal riset Phd… Bismilah dan kata temen, saya ambisius… ho oh, ditantang sih hahaha.

Tapi saya tahu kok bagaimana menikmati hidup yang ga melulu di perpustakaan, meski saya cinta banget sama ini perpustakaan yang nyaman. Senin nongkrong di pub berubah jadi seru ketika di hari terakhir kuliah, Professor kami malah nawarin mau lanjut seminar atau ke pub? Woalah jelas toh jawabnya, Pub it is! Hahaha dan dia bahkan yang traktir wine. Seru abis. Lalu house warming party di rumah kawan di pinggir kali yang cantik banget. Iya di sini pinggir kali itu seru, di Jakarta pinggir kali bau. Lalu menggelar makan malam ala Italia, dengan keju swiss dan anggur Australia di flat kawan dan yang hadir berlimpah cerita. Terakhir pesta ya Rabu lalu di kebun bersama kawankawan baru dari Sutton Community Farm. Ini pesta natal dengan tradisi anggur yang dihangatkan bersama rempah, lalu makan keju dan coklat yang berlimpah di atas meja, ga habis-habis selalu ada yang datang dan bawa makanan. Lalu kami bernyanyi – bukan lagu natal tapi tentang sayur organic huehehe, dan berdansa ala Romania dalam lingkaran dan kaki menghentak makin cepat dan cepat. Main game tebak kata jangan sampai lupa, pertama boleh kasih kuncian sebanyak banyaknya, lalu Cuma tiga kata dan diakhiri dengan hanya pakai jari. Tahu—tahu waktunya pulang kembali ke perpustakaan dan sekali lagi bermalam di sana. Tapi kemarin saya spontan diajak kabur ke Greenwich untuk menikmati hijaunya Greenwich park karena teman saya belum pernah ke museum waktu, lalu muter-muter pasar loak- Bahasa kerennya vintage market- dan berakhir lagi dengan segelas bir dan calamari. Aih my life is so much fun!

Hidup di London ga akan seru tanpa teman-teman baru tentu saja. Bersyukurlah saya yang seperti lumut, dimana aja bisa hidup dan menyatu dengan kawan baru. Suatu kali saya kasih foto ke mami, sekumpulan teman-teman baru ini, pertanyaannya adalah, “kenapa teman kamu pada bewok?.” Semua kawan saya bewokan, gimana dong, lagi ngetrend dan emang bikin mereka nampak makin menggemaskan dengan bewok itu. Lelaki sekota London bewokan loh. Yes termasuk para teman dekat saya- seperti biasa saya selalu merasa lebih dekat dengan teman lelaki daripada perempuan- I know why because I think like them. It is really nice to have friends who always there for you. Saban kali perlu teman buat ngobrol atau bahkan sekedar duduk di meja yang sama, belajar buat essay. Bertemu teman baru yang berbagi visi sama dalam hidup itu juga seru. Karena sadar banget cuma sebentar di London, maka manfaatkan untuk punya koneksi sebanyak-banyaknya selama di sini, tidak menjadikan segalanya jadi masalah pribadi apalagi kalau silih pendapat, mencoba mengingat kalau kami datang dari budaya yang berbeda.

9 months left and I miss you already London… I am in love with London

A Year of Re-Thinking of Your Life, Past – Present – Future

What if you have a chance to restart your life from the scratch? Would you like to do it? Years before I got myself in London, I told Evan my best friend that maybe just maybe one day I will come with him to Europe, leaving everything that I have behind and start all over again from none. I will be alone, lonely but surely I have me completely. How hard it can be to starts a new beginning.

Well it is not too different than what I have right now. I am alone in London with no my best friends and my love around. I started to study and read non-fiction books, things that I had left since 2001… 14 years ago! Meeting new people, new friends, making connections and a friend start making song for me… Nita here, Nita there, Nita is everywhere. Where basically I am just here, at the library J

Then I met new friend, Sam on Sunday Climate Change March and he dragged me back to my deepest dream of becoming a farmer, living in a village, surrounded by veggies and smell of shits from the animal husbandry, while continuing writing my novel, going to the college or school for lecturing, travel sometimes to meet other community to share. He is living in my dream life, how envy I am… I do have Sarongge, and still hope I might stay there a bit longer and have my own farm somehow somewhere…

And I still have 9 months left. I have a break from my routine life in Jakarta and Bandung, no traffic, no sweat, no ojek, no bubur ayam, no marathon meeting from breakfast until late dinner. The feeling is like a wave, sometimes high, most of the time low tide… the thing that I miss most is the sun… to be honest.

I don’t know what I am going to do with my future. Somehow I just feel like to ignore plans, but I know I have to make one. Looking for the Phd opportunity is one of them or going back to Indonesia just like what I had planned before, making change and becoming the future leader just like the scholarship tagline… but just like Lord Chris said, ‘You can’t be the leader of others if you can’t be a leader to yourself.’

Right now, right here…. I am not the leader of myself. My brain and my heart are refused to work together while essay deadline is approaching. I have 9 months to think about the future meanwhile, I am just going to enjoy my days here with books, essays, caffeine, Gramatik and Parov Stellar.

 

Can or Can’t You Count On Me…

How many Nita is in me? Oh wow. I am a totally different person when you read my novel, following my twitter, on the facebook or even listening to my voice when I was broadcasting. I can play your ‘theater of mind,’ and nothing is officially me, until you spend years with me. I am not sure my four years boyfriend who became fiancé – hey darling I love you so- also really know me, because maybe no one will know except myself.

Some people loves me, other might just hate me with their own reason. It is okay, you can’t please everyone. I am an evil when it comes to work. Really straightforward and will kill anyone who missed the deadline. Don’t try to lie to me at work, or I will never forgive you because you are ruin’ the system. Someone just has to cover for your shit when you are not doing it right.

I know I am a committed to friendship. I love all my friends and will try hard to be there whenever they need me. But again, if you want to use me, try hard not to let me know J I am an idealist, and being hated sometimes because of it. Again, I don’t care because I only want to get what I believe it is worth and honest to me.

But I am a stupid girl and so naïve. I made people laugh because of it. I am so messy, always lost something in my own room and found it again and feel like I just found a treasure. I do count on akang for my tidiness. And a very spontaneous, an impulsive girl, I can change my mind in a minute and have a random thought in a splash.

So can or can’t you count on me?

I would like to say… don’t count on me although you can. You need to count on yourself, and I will just be there to support you. I will be your cheerleader and catch you when you fall. I am not planning to live over 60 and might just die tomorrow, be strong, be you….

 

No one can play evil or an angel for 24 hours. A note from Black Mass

The movie – Black Mass dragged me back to my bachelor, Criminology. Crime is something defined by law or norms. You might don’t see an action as a crime, but since it is written by law, then it became violation, a crime. So if you want to hit your enemy, do it without no one is around. When James ‘Whitey’ Bulger found his son got trouble because he was beating his schoolmate , this is what he said, ‘It’s not about what you do, but it’s about how you do it, where you do it, when, to whom, and who you are with. Do you know what I mean?’ And his son replied, ‘I am going to beat him when there is no one around.’

James Whitey Bulger is a loveable person to his family and the community of South Boston. He is dearest brother to Billy, a powerful leader in Massachusetts Senate and a gentle son towards his mom. He is also a loving father and husband. James is an angel to his surround.

Do people really change?

Whitey Bulger is becoming a full time evil after he lost his mother, son and his wife. He depressed. At the same time, he has more power, thanks to FBI agent John Connolly who convinces Whitey to help the agency fight the Italian mob. The alliances between the Whitey and Connolly became out of control. Whitey became one of the most dangerous gangsters in U.S history. Organized Crime story is always fascinating one for me. How they sustained their work and how their alliances with the law enforcement, and sometimes the way to destroy these organized crime is by bring all them to the conflict of territorial power. Let them kill each other!

What really interesting to me from this movie is the way Benedict Cumberbatch and Jhonny Depp are so different from their previous image. Although Bulger’s family originally came from Ireland, but both of them are born and grew up in Boston, so their accent has change. You will find Benedict Cumberbatch lost his sexy audible voice with British accent. He talked with his deepest voice and hardly recognized his usual voice with my eyes close in this movie. While Jhonny Depp is no longer the Captain Sparrow. His make-up and acting are AWESOME! I don’t like his contact lens and the way that he stares on people, it was scary!

The movie based on true story of Whitey Bulger, brother of a state senator and most infamous violent criminal in US history in 1970’s. This is my climax movie of 2015, the best of the year!